It took f**king ages.

Myself, I move house at least 12 times a minute, and all of the stuff I own, I am only-just-not-able-to-carry in one go.  I am maybe what you call minimised.  My clothes, even though I seem to have 5 tonnes of them, fit into two small suitcases, and after that I have a couple of boxes, a bag and a relatively light computer.

My housemates aren’t the same.  Peg has had a van or large car with flappy bits that reveal extra storage since he was 12 and as a result of this and his usage of skips, casual theft and freecycle, he and Mince have quite a lot of furniture, very little of which cost anything.  Add to this a full households worth of the usual cleaning stuff, towels and bedsheets, a few labour saving things (like hooks that fit to doors, and door stops, and cabling, and computers) and two LARGE guinea pigs, one the size of a quiche.  The move has been quite a task.

The new place is about 50m at most from the old place, but seperating the two is the ~50m walk, and 8 flights of 12 stairs.  In the last week, we’ve used 2 sizes of 3 different abandoned shopping trolleys, and what I’ve managed to work out to be about 50-60 trips up and down those 8 flights.  We’ve taken the contents of a 1 bedroom flat with so little space in the kitchen that we’d developed a technique of dancing around like bar tenders in a tiny cocktail bar.

7 days of gradual moving in between work, shoulder/back pain and other obligations later, and we’re done.  We live in a place 4 or 5 times bigger, and somehow, still have taken up a lot of space.

I don’t understand.  Compared to the old place, we now live in Wembley Stadium, but a Wembley full of piles of stuff.

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“so if they’d stabbed one of your friends in the head, getting in the car and running a couple over would be fine.”

Oh dear.

A while back, with some guys of varying backgrounds, I inadvertently got involved in presenting and demonstrating some self defence techniques for women at a Ninjitsu Dojo in Ely.  I was there because a friend who I often chatted to about this kind of stuff had invited me, and between us we demonstrated a load of stuff including some really quite evilly-improvised weapons shown to us by the Ninja Sensae.  Ninjas are mental.  Incidentally, because it annoys people I will credit Rich as a Sensei of Bajinko Tae-Jitsu as it’s really called in this case.

Anyway, during this little meeting one of the women of Ely and a few martial artists, only one asked anything unusual that I was able to answer better than the others (I was presenting with a Master of Aikido, a Ninja Sensei and a Jiu Jitsu practitioner so this is hardly surprising really).  After we’d been asked how to “disarm a chav with a knife” (don’t, run.) and how to “escape a headlock” (For the record, put your hand closest to their body behind you, over their face from behind, poke them in the eye and stand up.  Then run.) and so on, one woman asked “What is legally self defence, and what will get me into trouble?” and this was the best question of the evening.  After this evening’s little escapade with people suggesting that you should run over people with knives because it’s legal I feel the need to answer this question again, for everyone’s good.  Applicable to UK law in this case, because that’s what I know best.  Most legal systems are very similar on self defence though.

Here, in the good old UK, where we have ASBOs and PCSOs and other four letter abrreviations, self defence is/isn’t the following few points, and remember them, because they can save a lot of time in a cell.

• Self defence is initially action to defend against attacks, so you can legally (obviously) block punches, kicks and stabs, and anything else that may be a threat to you.  There is nothing in UK law that prevents you touching another person in order to stop them hurting you.  It’s a matter of how much ‘touching’ you do, and how much damage it causes.  Blocking is fine, running away is 10x better.
• In the UK, you may legally react to an attack to neutralise the threat.  This is pretty simple really, and is by no means black and white, but essentially, you can stop someone being able to hurt you by the most reasonable action possible.  The less you do to stop someone being able to hurt you the better.  (What this means is that whilst breaking someone’s arm to stop them continuing an attack is effective and possibly justified, bruising their arm is better if it does the job)
• Your reaction must be pretty much in proportion to the threat posed.  If someone is trying to punch you and you punch them and knock them out, that’s more or less fair game and would usually be regarded as fair game (You should be careful with head injuries as complications are very easy to develop, a kick in the balls is much better).
• Your reaction cannot ever be sustained beyond the threat.  As soon as you are not in danger from a person, you are not entitled to strike or otherwise hurt them.

So, bearing that in mind, what should the guy who wrote the above do in the situation he describes.  Remember now that his friend has been stabbed in the head, and he has the chance to get into a car a “run a couple over”.

I really hope that everyone has worked out that he should get in the car and leave to get help.  The car would clearly offer good protection and only a fool would get in the way of it.  Given the chance he may want to grab his friend and get him into the car but all in all it seems more likely that he would be best summoning help before anything else.  After that he can decide to return to brave the situation again if he wants, but making sure that help is on the way for the injured is top priority in this case.

In the seminar I was asked as a follow-up question: “So, if I was faced by a kid with a knife and couldn’t escape, if I hurt him badly, that would be legal” and the answer is sometimes. In some situations it would be judged legal afterward.  Either way, if you hurt someone badly in self defence you should expect it to take one hell of a time to sort out.  The police won’t just say “Oh, he had a knife did he?  Off you go then”, they’ll arrest everyone who might be implicated and sort it out at the station.  If you ever decide to defend yourself, you’re also signing up to a long and detailed explanation, and a million counter allegations too.  It’s a necessary part of the justice system.

So that’s that sorted.  If someone hurts your friend, don’t drive any cars at them huh?

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Following hot on the heels of recent successes such as the ever ground-breaking My Big Decision, a top quality and not-at-all-cheap-to-make-in-these-difficult-times programme in which two sets of teenagers are sent off in VW campers to be bleated at by non-experts about their potential decision on an obvious subject, comes Snog Marry Avoid?.

The basis of Snog Marry Avoid? is so simple that even a dunderheaded fool with only the strength to remember to breathe can grasp it, and it’s aimed squrely not so much at a specific audience as at a specific timeslot that BBC3 didn’t have anything else to do with.  Basically put, they ran out of money for more Family Guy.

The format is straightforward though, having stuck with the adage of ‘Keep it simple, stupid’ Three have applied this ideal from the basic concept, right through to the production values, and even presenter and audience.  Jenny Frost is a face you may remember but you won’t know where from, and even with IMDB only 10 seconds typing away, you won’t care enough to find out.  Even typing this review, I haven’t bothered to find out.

Essentially you take the most over tarted, well, tart you can find and clean off their make up, give them a little lip gloss and a hair cut mum would approve of, and you’re sorted.  Invariably they react in a way that is a bit more “I miss my extensions, but maybe I’ll learn to like this shoulder length bob…” and before and after you show them to idiots in the street who instead of telling you to fuck off, actually have the time to grin inanely and say that they would “avoid” the Before look, and “Snog” or “Marry” the after look.

I forgot to mention probably the best of all of this, which is POD, the Personal Overhaul Digerdoo or Primally Obscene Design or something.  POD is apparently the computer who does the assessment of the subject before magically transforming them; a process we don’t see because location recording is expensive and we don’t want everyone to know that these fools are ‘made up’ by a regular BBC make up crew.

POD is entirely graphics based, and poorly made by a work experience kid who had once used photoshop to make Mellinder Messinger’s tits bigger, and was therefore consider an expert by the overstretched producer.  No doubt he handed in the final graphics just before asking “Could you sign my work log for this week too, Mr Alnbury says I have to get it signed”.

Of course, it isn’t difficult to find people to react as you want them to in the Vox Pops because firstly, you’re asking people with time to spare on a weekday in Covent Garden (i.e. no job, daddy pays for everything) and secondly, you selected the most hideously over painted doll that people originally mistake your subject for a Geisha who had a terrible accident.

No set, no talent and no particular premise make Snog Marry Avoid an exercise in either switching off your brain after a terrible experience in order to avoid PTSD, or an exercise in brain chewing-gum for insomniacs.  If you have a camcorder from 1987, maybe you could donate time to the Beeb and make this show for them, saving money to allow them to make something better in future.

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I love my Macs, because they make my job so much easier in many ways, and my phone for much the same reason, but this following is my list of things not to like about Apple, that most Mac Addicts will avoid mentioning, or sometimes even knowing about.

1. DRM

With the iPod came the M4P audio format – the format that will famously only work on your own iPod and copy of iTunes.  Digital Rights Management had been attempted before, and existed already, but Apple were the first to properly put it into place.  By combining the desirable design and usability of the iPod with a draconian DRM system, Apple not only annoyed a whole future of iPod users, but they cemented into place the idea that DRM was a good and practicable idea, making it acceptable for others to try, as with the famous Sony ‘Rootkit’ issue, where Sony effectively hacked peoples systems in the name of copyright protection.  To this day, iTunes Store working on MP4 is the single most annoying thing Apple ever did.

2. It’s Linux, it’s fine!

Apples Operating Systems, OS1 to OS9 were based on their own programming structure, but for OSX (ten) they switched to a UNIX or Linux like environment in order to make their OS easily adapted to the new wave of processors that were on their way.  When Apple switched to using Intel’s Core 2 Duo chips in 2006, they were well prepared, and everything was running on the most commercially viable desktop version of Linux (well Linux-ish).

At this point, they started boasting.  300,000 viruses on the PC, zero on Mac; MacOSX is the most secure; this kind of thing.  My point being twofold here:  1.  When you based your operating system on the work of others that they offered freely, you don’t then boast in such a smart arsey manner about it.  Millions of people were already using Linux.  2.  When your OS is pretty inherently secure, you don’t invite the world to try and break it.  MacOSX is the best demo of what is possible with Linux and other POSIX operating systems when it’s used in a desktop way, and to boast about the security of anything too much is a BAD idea, when this will catalyse people to find holes in it.  Which of course they did.  Apple’s biggest issue with MacOSX?  Stupid stuff like setting default consistent root passwords and the like.  The first MacOSX was full of holes, and yet Steve Jobs was over the moon with it.

Pride comes before a fall, so stop being so up you own about it all.

3. iPhone Elitism

You can buy a Blackberry and use it on any network you like, it might originally be locked, but it’s relatively cheap to unlock.  An unlocked iPhone from Apple costs around the same as mortgage.  When it was launched in America, it was on AT&T and it still is, when launched in the UK it was 02 and it still is.  To make the world’s most adaptable phone with an inherently developing software base that anyone can contribute software packages to (although I’ll get on to that in a moment!), you shouldn’t then ruin it by limiting it to one network, and refusing the freedom to choose who you do business with to customer is the very opposite of the adaptable genius technology that went into the iPhone in the first place.

Remember when Microsoft got into trouble for forcing Internet Explorer on people?  Now imagine that they had made Windows only capable of running IE, and refuse all other browsers, and you have a similar situation to having an iPhone that only works on one network.  At a good 500 a go for the original iPhone, it was ridiculous, and did Apple no good in my eyes.

4. iPhone Housebrick

When it was revealed that the iPhone could be unlocked by using some tools developed by a group of hackers, many people did this to allow them to use some of the new software that people were illicitly releasing and distributing underground or to allow them to use a different network.  Apple responded by releasing software that ‘bricked’ any iPhones that had been unlocked.

After people spent hundreds on their iPhones, Apple made them into decorative paperweights for anyone who’d tried to use them for functions that weren’t available yet.  That’s the worst bit about this.  In the main, Apple bricked phones that were using apps, because Apple hadn’t launched them yet.

In terms of another comparison like before.  This is like buying a bread maker that will stop working forever if you use anything but the approved brand of yeast.  Apple set up it’s iPhones to literally stop working permanently, which given they belonged to the people who had altered them, is a bit rich.  It’s abhorrent if I’m honest.

5. The “you’re not invited” app store

Having launched the App Store for iPhones, Apple put in place a list of rules for what the apps could do, but then also did some obviously questionable rejections of applications, including refusing Google Voice for not-entirely-clear reasons, and even more moronically, rejecting a dictionary for including definitions of some expletives.  One of the cited rejected words was ‘ass’.  Difficult to take Apple seriously after that.

6. I’m a Mac, and I’m a PC, and I’m a failed advertising executive

Now, I know that these adverts worked but the actual premise and idea of them was just annoying.  Encouraging a rivalry between two camps of users is not a good idea when you seek to convert people.  Not only did this ad campaign make Apple users seem like self-important cocks, it also served to make David Mitchell and Robert Webb, who starred in the UK version of the ads, seem like equally dispicable fools.

Worse than that it prompted the terrible response from Microsoft of the “I’m a PC you got a problem with that?” ads.  After these machoist rebukes by the Microsoft marketing lot, the market is divided into a stereotypical set of Guardian readers who wouldn’t say boo to a goose but would definitely enjoy making a youtube video edited on iMovie on their MAC if they did, and a set of blokey wankers who just love that Excel keeps asking if they want to restore a backup of last time it crashed.  It’s a challenge innit?  Fight that computer!

I’m now stuck in the middle.  I buy Mac hardware because it’s good, and it works really quite well.  Sure it’s expensive, but it also lasts a good while, so the cost is similar over time.  I use MacOS because it’s nicely written and runs all the software I use for my job, I also triple boot my machines to also run Windows XP and Ubuntu Linux so as to be able to test web products and software on all platforms.

I have an iPhone, but, for the reasons detailed above, it’s Jailbroken, I own it outright (it’s not a contract phone) and I operate it on two networks using almost entirely software from open sources.  I run skype with wreckess abandon, and have even installed my own command line utilities and stuff.

Yes, I’m a mac fanboy, but my mac runs everything, and it’s a bastardised mash of all the best bits I could find of Apple, Microsoft and everything else.

I am the bastard child of a Mac Fanboy.

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For those who don’t already know, this is the story of that hack in brief:

FsckVPS, A2B2, and CheapVPS.co.uk hack

The servers running for these companies were running a piece of virtual server management software called HyperVM.  This software had such phenomenally obvious security flaws in it that a 1st year computer science major could track them down and correct them easily and quickly.  In fact I was recently commissioned to do a similar thing for another piece of software (for a completely different purpose).  Hackers infiltrated the network by ’sniffing’ traffic on it, and extracting passwords which were of a terrible standard in places.  Using these they entered the system and ran as many “rm -f” commands on servers as they could.  For the non-UNIX savvy “rm -f” means “remove file [rm] force [-f]” and deletes files on a system without prompting for are-you-sures or other pauses.  “rm *.txt -f” would for instance remove all files with the extension “.txt” on a system within the current directory, and it’s only a couple of extra characters to extend this effect to an entire disk.

So needless to say, these hackers wiped entire servers, and sent the entire infrastructure into a decline for no obvious gain.  Since then, the developer of HyperVM, poor programmer that he was, has committed suicide (although this was certainly not entirely due to just this hack!) FSCKVPS has been sold to BlueSquare Media, causing a little speculation that the hack was a corporate driven affair in order to take control of the company (although this is really unlikely, FSCKVPS wasn’t the highest end VPS supplier) and this site has been offline because I’ve been simply too busy to really do much about this.

Worth pointing out is that in trying to get this sorted out, and after leaving a two week cooling off time, I approached the company and asked about my server.  After an exchange of angry words, they cancelled my account, and since then I’ve had a couple of “re-inventing the wheel” issues with them too.  I would never recommend using FSCKVPS, A2B2 or CheapVPS for anyone.

Anyway, we’re back now, and will be more active than ever which will be nice.

Owen

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Anyway, I’ve been watching the BBC4/Channel4 hybrid that is “You have been watching” and I’m moderately annoyed, if not surprised to see that Charlie Brooker’s sarcastic style of TV has been stolen by some nob at Channel 4 who has then superimposed a better suited to face of the channel quiz format onto the normal straightforwardness of his critique.  Injecting 3 minor celebs more used to appearing on cable to this and you have a show.  Albeit a shit one.

I muchly enjoyed the critique, and some of the banter was good, but the guests were mostly comedians who don’t get enough exposure, and one token shitforbrains.

Basically put, Channel 4, don’t take a good presenter/writer and make them do shit.  And Richard Herring, you comment “This is the slowest quick fire round I’ve ever been in…” was only made possible by the sheer amount of quizzes you appear on whilst trying to build popularity for yourself between fringe festivals, so shut the fuck up yeah?

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The thing that has caught me (again) at the moment, is needing ID for various things to do with having moved house.  I have no passport, and obviously it would take a long time to get one (I’ve started the process, fear not, but it will take some time to  say the least).  I’m medically not allowed to drive, so the Provisional Driver’s Licence I have cannot even be updated to have a correct address on it.  I’m not an employee of a government agency or anything like that, and so I’m entirely devoid of ID that most places will take.  I have an out of date Driver’s Licence and a Student Card with 1 month left to live, and no one takes it anyway.

In my circumstances, an official government-issued ID card would be useful, not to carry everywhere, and not to be forced to present to a police officer or anything, but to take to the bank when I need to, and to the doctors when I need.  A card with similar security to a driver’s licence and my photo, address and date of birth for about £25 would be ideal (that’s what my drivers learner thing cost, roughly, in 1998).

Anyone else think this could be useful for people who can’t drive for whatever reason?

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What the holy parental enforced career Batman?  Could it be that the typically American Beauty pageant that tragically spread to US children in the 80’s and 90’s has now spread to the UK?  Well, yes Robin, it only fucking has, and at the risk of sounding like someone ranting on the Daily Mail comments board, it’s absolutely to even hear of, just as it is in the US.

A few years back, whilst heading out on to the first few works of my degree, I did a poster piece called “Little Miss America” which was a presentation of over 6,000 pictures of over made up, plasticised children, in rows of 200, tinted so that at a distance it’s a stars and stripes and close us it’s disgusting display of some examples of thing that adults will inflict upon children in the name of making them be what they wanted to be.  At the time I made “Little Miss America” it struck me how these events aren’t inherently abhorrent, but parents who are attracted to pressure their children into winning them are not-even-borderline abusive.

The link I’ve posted here is to the BBC programme “Baby Beauty Queens” which is 57 minutes of what should be jaw-droppingly horrific television.  As we watch born-again christian mother telling of nine-year-old (and pretentiously named) Maddison that she needn’t be scared off a self tan “Don’t be silly” she says, presented with her youngest child on the edge of tears, it’s hard to stop yourself wondering whether Social Services will have enough evidence to intervene after this programme has aired.

Only a few seconds later, we meet Tyler, the offspring of a mother who is so stupid it’s amazing she remembers to breathe telling us of how she proudly took her child to have cosmetic surgery age 6, and I find myself yelling at the screen.  These kids aren’t your typical 7 – 9 year olds who sometimes play with some make-up they found at home, they’re kids who are scolded by their parents if their make-up isn’t perfect.  Tyler in particular explains to camera how she has glasses but will be ‘told off’ if she wears them as opposed to her contact lenses.

Later in the show, the viewer is shown some children who choose to do the show, and aren’t pressured, and whilst I still find this a bit distasteful, it’s far better than forcing your child into it.

“Whatever you feel inside, if you are looking good on the outside, you are putting a brave face on to the world, and I think it’s important that you be the best you can be” says Tyler’s breathtakingly stupid bitch of a mother.

“I didn’t want to have an ugly child”…

I’m frankly lost for any more words to express my disgust at the pushy parents on these programmes.  Kids are shown being disciplined and forced to practice frankly pointless dance routines followed by a final preparation ceremony during which parents expose their children to intensely hot curling tongs, huge amounts of make-up and chemicals to alter the kids.  “She looks like a little doll” says one proud moron, and yet still one mother is amazed at the sheer amount of cosmetic alteration.  It takes the unemployed penniless mum who lives in a council estate to point out that many of the kids are exploited.

Quite frankly, this is a terrible reflection on the UK, that we have this event occurring now, and my congratulations to the mother who did nothing but borrow a room in the local pub to allow her daughter to practice, and bought her a dress from the local charity shop (home altered to fit).

To the mothers whose daughters looked like barbie, and had cosmetic surgery, 4 hours of make up ritual and a 8 week dance tuition programme; I sincerely hope that the authorities have enough material from the BBC documentary to offer your mistreated and abused offspring the opportunity to a better life without you idiotic selves.  You really are the slime of the Earth, and if you wish to offer your kids the opportunity to do “whatever [they] want to” then maybe you should take a sharpened tiara to your jugular.

I’m just watching the winner’s ceremony now, and am delighted to see that none of the barbie-dolls and in fact went to an 11-year-old with absolutely no make-up and a really nice dress.  In your face, senseless morons!

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In photography, artwork, drawing or even lighting and set design, and altered perspective is a viewpoint from which a design/creation can be seen as completely different, with no instantly obvious reason why.  They can be created deliberately to trick the mind (especially useful in theatrical design to trick an audience into thinking the set is bigger and deeper than it actually is!), or they can be created or found accidentally, as in this photo above, which was haphazardly taken by philTizzani of Flickr.

Anyway, to what I was actually saying!  I’ve just, as you may know, moved to Wales – the land of my Father(s) – and now I see with a weird perspective the occurrences within my friends’ lives through the media of facebook and twitter, and it makes it hard to take some stuff seriously with some other stuff that’s going on.

This blog post was going to be about Bigbluespoon and some of the advances we are making with that, and the progress also of whypeopledon’tlikeyou webcomic and so on, but tonight I’m dominated by one thing.

An old, old friend of mine’s dad has just died.  Barely two days ago.  I don’t know what of, and it hardly matters now.  When I say an old old friend incidentally, I mean me basically met at playschool in my hometown in 1988, and I’ve known her and her family on and off for nearly 22 years.

So this blog is a message to no one in particular to let you know that this was no normal friend’s dad, this was one of the best.  One of the rare people who you remember clear as day after not seeing them for 10 years.  I’ve not seen any of this family in person in nearly 9 years, and I would still happily go to see them and offer anything I could at a moments notice.  The epitome of this was the father of the family, an awesome bloke who, within my experience, was always cheerfully pleased to see anyone, always jovial, and, as I said to his daugter a couple of days ago, one of the good guys.

I’m deliberately not mentioning any names in this, by the way.

From my strange perspective I can see a world I just left full of people quietly living their lives and shouting about it on Twitter, and a world I left many years ago mourning the loss of one of the most genuinely nice blokes anyone will ever meet.  He’s survived by two (I think, I know of two at least) children, and leaves one of the most appreciative and friendly families I ever knew behind him, standing as testomonial to his quality as a parent, sibling and husband.

If you’ve read this, then do me a favour and raise a glass to him yeah?  He bloody deserves it.

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The ID vicious circle

I have a very out of date set of ID.  It stems from a few issues.  I have a preliminary driver’s licence (that’s a learners licence to non-UK readers).  I am not actually entitled to drive, and so I can’t have a full valid driver’s licence even if I were Ayrton Senna.  Medically, I’m officially unfit to drive and that’s that.  This means that the learners licence I have has the address on it that I lived at when I was 17.  The ID is valid and serves it’s purpose of convincing the odd alcohol vendor that I’m me and old, but the address is a good 9 years out of date, and I legally cannot be granted another or have it swapped for one with an up to date address.

When I moved into my new place a few years ago, I changed my address with my bank.  I phoned them up and quoted my security password and so on, and they started sending my mail elsewhere.  Brilliant.  While I was living there, everyone started to soil themselves that someone may steal their identities and so the bank started requiring proof of a new address, which given that only they ever mail me, is kinda difficult so, while I was a student, I skipped updating a couple of addresses, and opted for them to send my statements by email instead.

Now, I live in Swansea, with some friends.  Ironically the home of the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency too, they could update my licence but won’t.  I tried to open a bank account.  I need a form of ID and a letterhead from a bank to show my address.  I can’t do that, because the old bank won’t change my details without a signed Affadavit from the pope.  So I remain ID less.

I’m also, whilst looking for a job, applying for the government benefit that is appropriate to that.  Now don’t be stupid, I really am looking for a job, and I’ve paid about 15,000 pounds of tax since I was 18 (I’m 26 now), so it doesn’t take the piss to claim a bit of help for a few short weeks.  I need either a drivers licence with up to date address, or some acceptable ID and a letterhead from a trustworthy institution to show my address.  I have none of this crap.  My birth certificate is a piece of beige paper, typewritten and my passport is expired and disposed of.  My Driver’s Licence we’ve covered and I am staying with friends, so I have no bills in my name.

I need an address for ID and I need ID for an address.  Worse than that, I need BOTH for a benefits claim and in order to get any new form of government ID, I need lots of money as they’re not in the habit of doing anything at a reasonable price.

Anyone got any clue what I do next?

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